The Midnight Horror: 'Amityville: Mt. Misery Road' (2019)

I’ve long been entranced by the twisted tale of The Amityville Horror, though my interest leans less toward the Lutz's over-the-top theatrics of a supposed haunting and more toward the grim saga of the DeFeo murders that ignited the legend. The original films—the first two, in particular, along with that 2005 reboot starring Deadpool—captured a raw sense of dread, while some of the loose sequels at least offered a modicum of entertainment, even if it was half-hearted.

But seriously, what is going on with the avalanche of in-name-only Amityville films that have erupted over the past few years? It feels like every untalented hack with a camera has leveraged their grandmother’s savings to churn out yet another abomination that claims a link to Amityville. They slap the name on the title, hoping to lure unsuspecting fans into witnessing their poorly executed attempts at horror. It’s disheartening, really; these films have no tie to the rich lore of Amityville but still manage to infect our screens like an unwanted plague.

Are there twenty, thirty, maybe more of these cinematic disasters? I’m not exaggerating. Do your own research; the numbers are staggering and unfortunately still climbing. Recently, I had the dubious pleasure of enduring one such film, Amityville: Mt. Misery Road. I barely survived the 75 minutes of this student film wannabe experience—though to be fair, it would tarnish the reputation of legitimate student films. Helmed, written, produced by, and starring the dynamic duo of Chuck and Karolina Morrongiello—who, I suspect, might be a married couple, or perhaps brother and sister (and if that’s the case, that would be a whole new level of unsettling since they play a couple in the film)—this flick is a testament to why some should stick to their day jobs.

The plot unfolds as follows: Charlie and Buzi, enthusiastic ghost hunters, are drawn to the looming legend of Mt. Misery Road, dubbed the scariest road in America. What unfolds is an ill-fated adventure into the nearby woods, where they unwittingly ensnare themselves in a whirlpool of paranormal mischief.

Now, where do I even begin? Chuck and Karolina’s performances are more akin to a pair of drunken toddlers with just a few too many Happy Meal toy fries rattling around in their heads. It’s as if they found the script in a cereal box—if there even was one. They receive a phone call about the “haunted highway” (which, spoiler alert—there’s no haunted house in sight). Apparently, that flickering shot of a dilapidated structure in the background counts as sufficient homage to the Amityville lore, but let me assure you; 95% of this folly features our “fearless” couple bumbling about like they’re on a disastrous family vacation, engaged in utterly pointless banter that will leave you questioning your own life choices.

If the word horror still means anything, it certainly doesn’t resonate in this catastrophe. The only semblance of fright comes from a fleeting scene at a cemetery, which features Karolina fumbling her way through a half-baked Blair Witch reenactment.

“Mt. Misery Road” is a monumental cluster of epic proportions—a perfect example of why I harbor contempt for modern low-budget horror films claiming the genre for themselves. It seems like every Dick and Jane with a camera thinks they can cash in on the horror craze; it’s disheartening when they lack the passion or experience to actually craft something entertaining. Shame on them for perpetuating this cycle of cinematic mediocrity. Please, for the love of all that is good, don’t watch this film! Spare your brain cells from the drivel and save your time for something—anything—better. ╌✰✰✰✰✰

〜B.J. Burgess