The Midnight Horror: 'Selfie Man' (2018)

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Here’s a chilling thought: perhaps Canadians should steer clear of making horror flicks. The film that sparked this reflection is none other than the 2018 flick, Selfie Man—or, as it's colloquially dubbed, Selfie from Hell. This splendid piece of celluloid treasure—or should I say trash?—was one of those random finds lurking in the depths of Dollar Tree, back when they actually stocked DVDs. Clearly, I must have confused it with something else; there’s no other explanation for why I would squander a mere dollar on this cinematic abomination. Honestly, the filmmakers probably spent about the same amount on the entire production—who knows?

The credit for this masterclass in mediocrity goes to a certain Erdal Ceylan, a name that sounds more fitting for a character in a horror novel than the mastermind behind this travesty. The plot—or what passes for it—centers on Julia, a German vlogger who ventures into the U.S. to visit her cousin Hannah. However, upon her arrival, the poor girl collapses into a state of grotesque illness, setting off alarm bells in Hannah's mind. As strange occurrences spiral out of control in Hannah's home, she embarks on a frantic internet quest to uncover the source of Julia’s affliction. What unfolds is nothing short of a descent into cyber-hell, where terror has no bounds and sanity starts to unravel.

Let’s be real: the plot is a concoction of absolute drivel. The filmmakers leaned a bit too heavily on thunderous sound effects and trotted out every tired found-footage cliche in the book, hoping the viewer wouldn’t notice the gaping holes in the narrative. Directing was so amateur that I can only assume a four-year-old, armed with nothing but a smartphone, could have delivered a more coherent shot list—and likely has! The cast? A parade of nobodies who couldn’t even muster the ability to pronounce their characters' names correctly, let alone deliver their lines with any semblance of emotion.

As for the R-rating? Who knows why it earned that distinction? Perhaps it was due to the language, which frankly blurred into the background during this disaster. In truth, this is more of a PG-13 horror flick drowning in a deluge of jump scares—did I count 50? Honestly, it felt like a game of "how many cheap scares can we throw at the audience before they realize there’s no script to hold it all together." Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work.

So, why do abominations like this get a theatrical release? Selfie Man—or Selfie from Hell—is the bottom of the barrel; it earns a paltry zero stars from me. If this film were a nightmare, it wouldn't even be worth waking up from. ╌✰✰✰✰✰

〜B.J. Burgess