The Midnight Horror: 'Coven' (2019)

♰ Welcome to The Midnight Horror! ♰

I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that I squandered a grueling 81 minutes of my life—creditless, of course—on the abominable 2019 flick Coven. That’s right; the year stamped on the DVD, but who knows when it was filmed? Honestly, I’m too unmotivated to dig into that rabbit hole. My friends were warned that I'd be torturing myself with some cinematic atrocities, and boy, did this one take me on a trip to hell and back before the end credits mercifully rolled.

The plot, if you can even call it that, revolves around five undergrad witches—yes, the kind you’d roll your eyes at in a Halloween costume contest—who band together to perform a ritual to summon the ancient powers of Ashura. But our so-called leader, in a moment of unhinged enthusiasm, “accidentally” offed one of her coven sisters during the rite. Now, she’s in dire straits, needing a complete coven to harness Ashura’s formidable powers. Off she goes, sending her remaining sisters on a wild goose chase to track down one last wannabe witch. As she spirals deeper into power, the surviving girls plot to wrestle control back, only to be confronted by an otherworldly menace unleashed on their unsuspecting campus. Only one young witch remains to confront this chaos—a classic tale of supernatural showdowns, though delivered with all the finesse of a brick through a window.

Coven attempts to be a twisted love child of The Craft and Charmed, but instead ends up with a forced, cringe-worthy finale that left me questioning my life choices. Released by the prolific “Thriller Films”—sounds impressive, right? —it’s clearly just a red flag waving for Uncorked Entertainment, a company that seems desperate for content, no matter how terrible. Listen, I don’t like to be a Negative Nancy, but the utter frustration I felt while enduring this cinematic train wreck was palpable.

Let’s talk production values—or the tragic absence thereof. The directing, cinematography, writing, music, special effects, and acting? It’s like they gathered a group of confused toddlers in a dark room and handed them a budget that could barely cover a snack cart, let alone a decent film. One has to wonder if director Margaret Malandruccolo and screenwriter Lizzie Gordon were inebriated or having an off day when they concocted this mess. I get it; it’s low-budget, but good grief—craft a script that shimmers even within your paltry finances! The director had ample opportunities to innovate within the constraints of their budget, yet somehow that genius went right out the window.

As for the cast, let's just say they were a gathering of the unknown names that went in one ear and out the other. To be fair, the acting wasn't entirely their fault; they were just amateurs tossed into a dumpster fire of a script, with no guiding hand to steer them. It’s a film that's as “soulless as f***,” a fitting line for this dismal offering.

Now, let’s touch on those tantalizing elements that could’ve livened up this ghastly viewing experience. A decent sex scene—or even a hint of raunchy fun—might’ve made the whole ordeal somewhat bearable. However, any potential witchy lesbian love scene vanished like smoke, cut cruelly before the real fireworks began. Sure, there were glimpses of breasts sprinkled throughout, but barely enough to pique my interest; not that nudity alone can salvage a horror film. Once again, we circle back to the dire need for a decent script.

So, I ask, in all seriousness: why on earth was this film created? Who is its audience? It certainly wasn’t designed for profit or quality assurance.

Coven was an abomination! I can't, in good conscience, recommend it to anyone. Pray for my poor brain cells—they’ll need every ounce of help after enduring this tragic excuse for entertainment. ╌✰✰✰✰✰

〜B.J. Burgess