The Midnight Horror: '13/13/13' (2013)

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If you’re expecting to uncover a gem in the sordid heap of garbage that masquerades as horror flicks, brace yourself—it’s a bleak landscape out there. The sole title worth mentioning in this morass is 13/13/13, a sequel in name only to the abysmal 11/11/11 and 12/12/12—movies I have no intention of ever enduring. I can’t help but wonder if 13/13/13 is a twisted homage to the 2010 remake of The Crazies, but let’s be real: that’s just a wild guess. You might ask why I’ve dragged my feet on this post, and the answer is simple—I hesitated to carve out more time for a flick so utterly hopeless.

Now, let’s talk about the absurdity of the plot, shall we? For eons, calendars have absurdly deemed it worthwhile to add an extra day every four years. But in doing so, they’ve defied the ancient Mayan calendar—oh, the horror! Here we are, marooned in the 13th month of the 13th year of this new millennium, where a handful of unfortunate souls born in a leap year must wage war against a cacophony of demons. Yes, you read that right—demons. Because why not?

As if that weren’t enough, it’s not Asylum’s first romp through the ridiculous, but I checked out when they decided sharks in tornadoes were an acceptable premise. 13/13/13 is an overwhelming jigsaw puzzle of confusion. Is it a comedy? A spoof? A zombie apocalypse? A flick that could make horror lovers weep? These are the enigmas left dangling like a bad ghost story, with filmmakers seeming to care little for answers. They handed off the direction to James Cullen Bressack, who seemingly penned this monstrosity on the back of a Taco Bell bathroom stall with all the sophistication of a toddler’s crayon drawing. I can only imagine it took him all of five minutes and next to no synaptic activity to conjure this script.

Yes, my review is painfully brief, but I refuse to squander any more hours on the wreck that is 13/13/13. Spare yourself the horror—don’t watch this film. Consider it a warning, like a flickering light on a haunted street. Just don’t. ╌✰✰✰✰✰

〜B.J. Burgess